... now is the moment, forever is the memory ...

four years of high school
nine years of elementary school
eleven years of spiritual life
eighteen years of life

... many more years to come ...

it's crazie how fast time flies by.... can't believe highschool's over and done with, and i can't believe that i'm already eighteen. it's really insane... seriously... i don't even FEEL eighteen... then again, i didn't feel seventeen either. and now, just like that i'm off to university (gonna get stepped on!!! eeekk!! =P) itz strange... this feeling that thingz are done and over with... and yah, all throughout the four years, i probably griped on more than one occassion how i wish highschool was all over and what not cuz of all the work, but truthfully, they were definitely memorable years... lotsa ups, many more downs... but i made it out alive... thaz the point i guess... after all, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger, right? meh... brings tearz to think of everyone goin off and doin their own thing in their own place at their own time... well technically God's time.. but you know...=/

*sigh* so yesterday i went to pick up my yearbook and was flipping thru it when it hit me... this is like the last high school yearbook i'm ever gonna have!!! *tear drop falls* and as i wuz lookin thru all the pix and all the grad stuff... it hit me again... i can't believe i'm actually in the graduates section! i'm alwayz accustomed to seeing my tiny l'il pic buried among all the other ones in the undergrads section... and now i have my own l'il box thingy with my final words and my quotes and info and stuff... scary... i'm so used to reading other ppl's grad comments from years before... like my older friends...and yet.. lo and behold... i'm the one making the comments this time... scarrrriiieee!!!! *sigh* to add on to it, i was out in the commons where all the twelves were chilling and signing bookz and what not and i realized that this is like the last time that we'll all be huddled in a corner of the commons signing each other's bookz... =( mmm... makes the heart ache and the head hurt sometimes to think of where we'll all be next year... all diff universities, all diff programs, all different walks of life...=/

but i guess u don't really cling to the past... u live for the moment and see what else God's got planned for you... still can't believe i've made it this far with all the blessingz He's given me... and i have the nerve to complain???? eekk... wow... i just got a good God-smack... update on examz... cal-q-lus was deadly, but all the other examz were good... PRAISE GOD... =) nehowz.. off to school.... gotta get my yearbook signed and run a few errands.... GOD IS GOOD....

*reflecting*

whooo... havn't blogged in a while.. yet i have so much to say too! strange... actually, i've been finding myself away from the comp a lot nowadayz... wellz... some updates i guess... (tho i dun really know who reads this...)

I'M DONE EXAMZ!!! PRAISE GOD!!! basically done all high school examz... i have a few summatives and isps and presentations left to do, but the examz are done and over with!!! yay!!! bye-ology wasn't too bad.. neither wuz fisix... but cal-q-lus killed me... eeeekkk!!! welpz, all in God's hands now... i can't very well re-write the exam or nething... and english... that just made my hand hurt, but i'm hoping i did well... we'll see i guess... so for this week, i'm prettie much vegging.. and just letting the mind regenerate a l'il... but i gotta get crackin on them presentations and what not... whoo... after next week... i'll be done high school... like forever!!! accckkk!!! wow... do i ever feel old... =P

speaking of old... 5 dayz and counting till i'm officially 18... oh my goodness.. me, 18?? itz a crazie thot... hehehe.. i know all my older "siblingz" well my basics are all freaking out cuz i'm turning 18.. meaning they're gettin older too.. hahaha.. =D so jokes.. but yah... oh my goodness... then again, itz not like i get to do a whole lotta stuff.. lemme think.. i can... write my own notes, vote, buy a lottery ticket... thaz basically it! which is probably a good thing... too much freedom @ once can never be a good thing.. meanz more responsibility all at once... mmm... *sigh* itz been a long 18 years, yet a short one too... strange how fast time flies... and to add to it, i never imagined myself to be where i am, who i am, now... then again, i don't really see myself as a 17-year-old, much less an 18 year-old... kinda funnie... this thing called life... =)

(wow.., talk about deep stuff, eh??) hahaha... arritey... so i'm sitting here, sorta coughing up a lung... (and no, itz not sars!!) but i guess this is God's way of tellin me to slow down and be still.. havn't really done that since examz were done and over with.. wuz kinda alwayz out and stuff... well not alwayz out.. but alwayz doin something other than being still before God... so i think gettin sick yesterday wuz His way of tellin me to slow down a bit and just enjoy BEING with Him... wow... love God! there were a few verses and phrases i wanted to put up, but they're all in my sermon book which is with stephie right now... meh... i'll do it whenever i blog again... but i've been hearing some prettie awesome sermons and even more amazing stuff during devos in His Word... PRAISE GOD!!! wheee!!! i love hearing frum my Heavenly Daddy! so comforting... =)

anyhooz... enuff for now... blog more some other time... eeekk!! this week's gonna be so much fun.. well sorta... kinda... maybe? but next friday... WWAAAHHH!!! PROM!!! well formal here in Canada.. =D but still... eeeekkk!!! can't wait!!! i think my frenz and i got a limo too!!! never been in one of those.. oh my... itz gonna be one crazie nite.. on friday the 13th too.. hehehe.. go figure... i'm gone.. i should go and take another cat-nap.. then again, i've been doin that ALL day.. meh... naps are good.. sleep is precious

*being still*

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

james 1:2-4

what a fitting verse and sermon for the day... been realizing as the day continues that there's so much stuff i gotta do and go thru in the next two or three weeks. there are examz this week, enrolment appointment next week, presentations and projects due the week after... and then ther's prom too! and then after that ther's yoah and retreat and of course softball.. and amidst all that is work too... *sigh* all of a sudden life got sooo jam-packed with stuff, i dunno where i find the time to do thingz anymore.. and granted there are a lotta thingz that i've had to sacrifice simply cuz of a lack of time... really stinkz... =P

so this week's examz.. but after this week i'll be all done w/ high school examz.. WHOOO!!! praise God!!! =) but then ther's still other stuff to get thru... aiya... i dun like being so busy... =P i feel like i've lost touch with so many of my friends cuz i've been running around doing so many different things... mostly ministry things too, so i can't really complain...=P just wish i had more time i guess. and this is the last summer before we all go off to our different worlds and different universities... awww.. gonna cry.. =*( i really really really hope that we all keep in touch tho.. it would really suck if we didn't... i mean all those yearz down the drain... =P

anywayz.. back to the verse... granted i'm not really going thru any MAJOR trials.. like stuff that affects a lotta ppl.. just more difficulties i guess.. mostly with being bogged down with so much stuff to do... and gotta reorganize my priorities i guess... see where my priorities lie and what not... but yah.. i guess these count as times of trials... where my faith is bein tested for genuine-ness... *sigh* learning so much... not that itz a bad thing or nething... just tiring sometimes i guess.. =P anyhowz.. dunno what i'm still doing up.. i should really really really get to bed... got a crazie busy week ahead.. i think i'll be hibernating in my room till examz are done and over with... maybe no phone or internet either... =P gotta do well on these examz... soo.. cut off all communication with the outside world for a week? well unless i'm in desperate need of help or something for examz... hehehe.. i'm sounding like a hermit.. =P meh... think i'm just being a girl...=/ welps... off to bed... need some sleep if i'm supposed to get thru this week alive...

rejoicing in trials
... or at least attempting to... =P

*SMACK!!!*

"Once we lose sight of God, we begin to be reckless. We cast off certain restraints from activities we know are wrong. We set prayer aside as well and cease having God’s vision in the little things of life. We simply begin to act on our own initiative. If we are eating only out of our own hand, and doing things solely on our own initiative without expecting God to come in, we are on a downward path."

my utmost for His highest

so after a day like today, i think that segment of my devos this morning really hit hard. mmm.. i'm SOOO tired... still so sleepie... =P grrr... just been a crazie busy week... like insanely busy week... and a few more to come too!! itz so bad, i look at each week now not by where it is in the month, but what i have due and what i have to do... stinkz... =P but itz great that God's still smacking me when i need to be smacked... *sigh* Fatherly love... =D anywayz.. i still can't fathom how i've made it alive thus far... had two tests this week and i'm still alive and kickin... next week i have a buncha stuff to do, and the same with the week after.. then the week after that... EXAMZ!!! eeekk!!! but the great part is.. after i get it all done and over with.. i never hafta write another high school exam again!!! yippeee!!! but that just meanz that i move onto even more stressful univ examz =/ eeeekkk... itz like the whole outta the frying pan into the fire concept... meh... God'll keep me safe... =D

so today on itz own wuz busy... i didn't even get to see my house until 9:45pm or so tonite... after i left the house this morning i never saw it again till tonite... *sigh* it wuz still a fun day nonetheless tho... play day at good ol' bafoon... =D hehehee.. learned how to make cotton candy and got to play on this basketball bungee thingy.... stinkz that i couldn't play on the obstacle course tho...=/ and yah.. i basically got to chill with my friends... got to catch up and talk with some ppl that i rarely see nowadayz... and got to just have fun,... only went to like two classes today... oh my... it wuz SOOO hard to stay awake in fisix.. then had to work after.. but meh... itz arrite.. the nite went by prettie fast.. PRAISE GOD!!! then tmw! oh my... well 'nuff bout all the stuff i hafta do... i guess after reading the devo i realized that i'm in the danger zone of getting too busy and losing sight of God.. gotta keep remembering to keep my eyes on the prize... God's heart. lately i've been finding it harder and harder to find time just to sit and literally BE STILL.. like mosta the time i'm alwayz doing two thingz at once and what not... but yah... learning how important it is just to spend quality time with God... =) i think i should talk to Him more often.., like it doesn't even hafta be like "prayer language" or what not... i can just whine and vent and be the persistent child that He's claimed me as... =) PRAISE GOD!!!!

anywayz... still have tonz of stuff to do.. and i really really need to catch up on my zzzZZzzz's... i can't wait till summer... *sigh* meh.. ther's a season for everything... =) but yah... need God to send some refreshing rain at the moment... either that or precious sleep... =D just need something to get me up and going again... physically... spiritually i'm prettie cool.. =D just gotta remember to not be too busy to pray...=/ nehoo.. thaz all for me for now.. thingz in life are going prettie great... thinkin more and more about how i'm gonna miss my friends when we're all out there supposedly being "grown-ups" but yeh... God'll sustain the friendships... and i've alwayz got my basics... wheee!!! love 'em! =D

*hazel needs sleep*

wow school's tiring... and i only had one class this morning... meh.. watevr... got to talk to some old friends during a very VERY boring tap session. i dun get why we still have tap when we're graduating.. i mean ther's really only so much to know about university apps and what not... well yah.. so they were talking about living on res and the stuff u should do to survive first year, all stuff i know cuz i have more than enuff ppl that are in uni to refer to... =)

anyhow... 'nuff of the useless stuff... i still haven't blogged about coffeehouse.. well mini-coffeehouse... ack!!! it wuz TOTALLY insane! arrite.. so we didn't really get the 100% for sure from our teacher that she wuz gonna supervise coffeehouse until like monday afterschool or so... and no one was prepped with posters or announcements or nething... so we didn't have ANY advertisements... none at all.. we didn't have a speaker... or any AV equipment aside from the amps that our guitarists (or geetarists as nat likes to say...=) brought... and we were missing tonz of transparencies... but PRAISE GOD for providing... =)

so this is what happened.... wednesday april 30, 2003
3:30pm - hazel and jason park go to the cafe to start setting up
3:40pm - worship team sets up, hazel finds that we don't have transparencies
3:45pm - hazel and jason RUN to mr. lee and beg him to photocopy transparencies for us; mr. lee being the awesome teacher that he is offers to print it off on a laser printer instead, right off the web... chords and everything... =)
3:50pm - still printing out transparencies (yes.. thats how may we were missing); jason runs back down to the cafe and tells the leaders of the various teams to pray in the back of the cafe for the upcoming fellowship time
3:55pm - still printing.... the games team starts up with a few games here and there (hazel still doesn't know how many ppl are in the cafe at this point in time)

so yah.. that wuz like the half hour before we actually STARTED.. which was around 4 or so... the games team did a lot of games... ppl got involved, it was awesome... God's soooo good! so i walk into the cafe around 4... and see A LOT of ppl... did a quick headcount... 40 ppl... jason and i run off into the hallway to pray... then we go back into the cafe and we start worship...

overall it wuz an amazing time...we finished at around 5:15 or so.. and we didnt' even get in trouble for going past 5 like we normally do... we had food... and yah.. just great times for fellowship.. and testimonies.. oh my... we only really had one testimony and like a mini-sermon c/o jason.. hehehe.. whooo!!! i see him being a pastor in the future!!! hahahah.. but yah.. it wuz awesome... the fact that we hardly did anything.. and still had 40 ppl come.. you KNOW thatz gotta be God's doing... only Him... i mean it makes no sense that ppl would come when we didnt' even advertise or nething.. and that things would go off so smoothly even when we were missing so many things... =P but PRAISE GOD!!!! it wuz amazing... can't wait to see what else He's gonna do... =)

anyhow... thaz coffeehouse... i'm gonna be soooo stinkin busy for like the rest of may... argh... don't like being so busy.. =( ANYhowz.. i should get some stuff done.. be productive in my spare... =D God bless... don't have anything in mind for verses... just keep praying and keep persevering...

okay.. so i wuz blogging last nite when everything i wuz typing went *poof!* and disappeared.. and me being tired and mostly lazy, i didn't bother retyping... but i guess i can give the point-forms of what i wuz bloggin/learning last nite.... it wuz based on this:

"Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it."

luke 17:33

Are you prepared to surrender totally and let go? The true test of abandonment or surrender is in refusing to say, "Well, what about this?" Beware of your own ideas and speculations. The moment you allow yourself to think, "What about this?" you show that you have not surrendered and that you do not really trust God. But once you do surrender, you will no longer think about what God is going to do. Abandonment means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking any questions. If you totally abandon yourself to God, He immediately says to you, "I will give your life to you as a prize . . . ."

my utmost for His highest

so yah... prettie self-explanatory... gotta give everything to Him. there are still a lotta things in life that i hold on to and try to do on my own.. which i know isn't the brightest thing to do... i guess i'm pretty dumb when it comes to things in life... i guess thaz where my "stupid sheep" side comes in... PRAISE GOD for being the Shepherd, showing me where to go... otherwise i'd like fall off a cliff or something.. =/ so yah... just learning i guess to give it up and wholly and completely leave it in His hands... been smacked a few timez here and there, but it's definitely good to hear God speak again. =)

okay.. so that wuz yesterday... today wuz really funnie too.. oh my goodness.. where to begin. okay... so last nite i wuz talking with a friend about the prospective coffeehouse we were gonna have at bci.. supposedly tmw.. but we ran into some problemz... not being able to find a supervisor and all, so we weren't even sure whether we were gonna have coffeehouse or not.. then all of a sudden our weekly/regular supervisor who at first said she wuz uncomfortable supervising an event like that apparently changed her mind... so here we go... everything wuz provided for and stuff.. but we were still kinda ill-prepped cuz everyone basically figured that it wouldn't happen if we didnt' find someone to supervise by the end of the week. so we have all the technicalities covered, but we didn't have a lotta stuff planned.. and though our teacher wuz okay with supervising the coffeehouse, she still didn't want it to be a really BIG event, and she wasn't too sure about having a speaker come in either. so that wuz the scenario and i wuz talkin to the other fellowship leader about it and he said that he thinkz we should push thru with it... me bein a l'il pessimistic thought we should post-pone it at least a week and let everyone get settled down and ready... i wuz just really uncertain whether we should push through it with or not.. cuz everything seems so disorganized...=/

then.. devos first thing this morning... oh my goodness... God's too funny...

Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in—but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.

my utmost for His highest

the whole devo was about uncertainty... and basically to stop trying to be certain about things in life.. whether they'll happen or not... and just be certain in one thing... God. when u're certain with God... it doesn't matter that u're not certain about everything else in life... because if u lift everything up to Him and let Him have some elbow-room to work, it's certain that He will work in HIS WAY.. not ours.. not the way we expect.. but the way He wants.... all we gotta do is remain faithful and honour Him in everything we do... after all, God is faithful to those who are faithful to Him and He honours those who honour Him... =) kinda scary when God speaks, but still prettie cool... so i believe we're having a "mini-coffeehouse" tmw... still a l'il unsure... but hey.. itz not about me... itz about God.

aside from that... i'm learning not to complain so much about the thingz in life that are crumby and stressing and "mah fan"... learning to glorify God in all that i do, and count my blessings... =) thaz basically it, i dun really have anything specific... just learning a lot... feel sorta like a sponge.. absorbing everything... =) why can't studying for tests be that easy? =D anywayz... final thoughts...

as children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
i brought my broken dreams to God
because He is my Friend.

but then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
i hung around and tried to help
with ways that were my own.

at last, i snatched them back and cried,
"how can You be so slow?"
"my child," He said, "what could I do?
you never did let go."

let go and let God

mmm.. where to start... letz just say God's been doing some smackin upside the head again... which is good, cuz i think i really really really needed it anyway... and He clearly wasn't getting thru nudging me... so yah.. the whack wuz much needed. been learning tonz lately.. just about life, and true love, and wow.. just lotz.. can't list 'em all... too many to name... just today, God spoke like EVERYWHERE!!!! in devos first thing in the morning, in service thru the worship songz, the sermon, worship during fellowship, the bible study... waahhh... just everywhere... in everything.., through everything... i guess i'm still not feeling 100% right with God, but i'm getting there... the good news: i'm moving again in my walk with God.. no longer stuck in that rut... the smack wuz a good push too and it got me moving quicker... just hoping that itz a long-lasting moving and not just cuz i got pushed... =P

well, not gonna blog much more tonite, i should be studyin for my bio quiz tmw... but there are just some thingz that are more important than school... like getting right with God... cuz i mean truthfully, school can only get you so far... God takes u the rest of the way anyway.. if u're not right with Him, then where are you gonna go when school finishes? exactly!! and remember: marks don't get you into heaven... but of course... still glorify God thru ur schoolwork.. itz our way of responding to His blessing of education =) a l'il something i learned in bible study today... =) here's the main gist of the sermon:

when you pray, remember:
... the love of God ~ He only wants what's best for us ...
... the wisdom of God ~ He knows what's best for us ...
... the power of God ~ only He can bring to pass what's best for us ...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

philippians 4:6-7